Well. That was a hard first blog. If I’m honest being honest does not come naturally to me. I have been in the brain set to lie lie lie for so long it’s hard to accept I no longer need to. I have lost a bit of reality along the way – maybe I will never truly know what’s true anymore? But guess what? This morning the sun did rise. And in any likely event it will again tomorrow.
I think a liar is born when they get away with the very first lie. No matter how big or small, that realisation that you can tell someone a lie and they believe it wedges itself in your brain. And a little voice says “you’ve done it now, you can do it again”. What’s the harm?
The harm comes later when you have woven a web of deceit so intricate that you can’t remember the starting point. Nor can you see an end. Just like the spiders web, nothing can get through, nothing can get out. Until that day when the storm hits and the web is broken, torn in two, with little holes all over it. Then there are gaps. This is when the cracks start showing on the outside.
I read somewhere that life is your friend. You should embrace it. Honestly. When you’re wondering how to get from one day to the next with nothing, having lost everything and everyone, how the hell can you think that life is your friend? It’s all very well to say this but they have forgotten, to embrace life and make it your friend there has to be hope. And that’s the problem isn’t it? When you’re at rock bottom it’s because you have no hope.
So. How do you get hope? Sorry. There is no magic answer or cure. I have no words that I can say that will be an inspiration. All I can say is that whatever you have done there has been worse done. Oh, and of course The Sun will rise. Fact.
I’m still not sure I have hope. I know that each day is easier than the one before. And hopefully this will continue. See? I used the word ‘hopefully’; maybe I do have a bit! All you can do when you have faced up to your demons is take a day at a time. Time will either heal or it won’t. The guilt will always be there, but that raw gut wrenching pain does dull a bit. And slowly your brain does have little openings for new thoughts. Like this blog for example. Although I’m writing about what happened, for the last hour I have been thinking about how I felt rather than what I did. And an hour is good.
There is help out there for those who feel it will be good for them. Personally I hate the idea of meeting strangers and laying my soul bare. That’s why I write. I can tell my story and not have to do the whole face to face thing. It’s hard enough to admit the truth in your own head.
So. I guess in a way this blog is my support group.
Hello. My name is Kelly and I am an addict. I stole a lot of money from my employer to feed my gambling addiction and lied to everyone I know. I am trying to face what I have done and find a way to live with it. At the moment all I know is that tomorrow the sun will rise. Fact.