The Sun will rise. Fact.

Well. That was a hard first blog. If I’m honest being honest does not come naturally to me. I have been in the brain set to lie lie lie for so long it’s hard to accept I no longer need to. I have lost a bit of reality along the way – maybe I will never truly know what’s true anymore? But guess what? This morning the sun did rise. And in any likely event it will again tomorrow.

I think a liar is born when they get away with the very first lie. No matter how big or small, that realisation that you can tell someone a lie and they believe it wedges itself in your brain. And a little voice says “you’ve done it now, you can do it again”. What’s the harm?

The harm comes later when you have woven a web of deceit so intricate that you can’t remember the starting point. Nor can you see an end. Just like the spiders web, nothing can get through, nothing can get out. Until that day when the storm hits and the web is broken, torn in two, with little holes all over it. Then there are gaps. This is when the cracks start showing on the outside.

I read somewhere that life is your friend. You should embrace it. Honestly. When you’re wondering how to get from one day to the next with nothing, having lost everything and everyone, how the hell can you think that life is your friend? It’s all very well to say this but they have forgotten, to embrace life and make it your friend there has to be hope. And that’s the problem isn’t it? When you’re at rock bottom it’s because you have no hope.

So. How do you get hope? Sorry. There is no magic answer or cure. I have no words that I can say that will be an inspiration. All I can say is that whatever you have done there has been worse done. Oh, and of course The Sun will rise. Fact.

I’m still not sure I have hope. I know that each day is easier than the one before. And hopefully this will continue.  See? I used the word ‘hopefully’; maybe I do have a bit!  All you can do when you have faced up to your demons is take a day at a time. Time will either heal or it won’t. The guilt will always be there, but that raw gut wrenching pain does dull a bit. And slowly your brain does have little openings for new thoughts. Like this blog for example. Although I’m writing about what happened, for the last hour I have been thinking about how I felt rather than what I did. And an hour is good.

There is help out there for those who feel it will be good for them. Personally I hate the idea of meeting strangers and laying my soul bare. That’s why I write. I can tell my story and not have to do the whole face to face thing. It’s hard enough to admit the truth in your own head.

So. I guess in a way this blog is my support group.

Hello. My name is Kelly and I am an addict. I stole a lot of money from my employer to feed my gambling addiction and lied to everyone I know.  I am trying to face what I have done and find a way to live with it. At the moment all I know is that tomorrow the sun will rise. Fact.

Love

Kelly

xxx

 

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The Sun will rise. Fact.

THE SUN WILL RISE. FACT.

 

When the worst has happened and you have hit rock bottom the only way is up right? Or so the professional’s would have you believe!

Let me tell you from my own experience, there is still a long way down you can go after rock bottom. I had a gambling habit. When I first admitted this I would say it was sparked by my mother’s death. I now understand that grief alters you, but it can’t make you do anything. My actions were my own and only mine. Yes I had suffered grief, but is that an excuse? Many people are worse off than me and cope with worse. So why did I do it? To avoid the thoughts in my brain. To get away from myself.

To make myself feel better? Not really because it didn’t. (Just trying to be honest and not preachy!) At the time I needed something whole brain consuming. But I did learn eventually, you can’t run from yourself. You are stuck with yourself. Just you yourself and I. You have to find a way to live with what’s in your brain. Comfortably and at ease.

There are no magic words and no magic solution. One day at a time is all you can do. If that day goes ok, maybe the next one will too. I decided to write these books to help fill the little corners of my brain that nasty little thoughts still creep into from time to time. I’m not sure they will ever go away? But they are fading slowly. Having always been a reader, I was appalled at the nonsense which has been written about self help. I’m not sure if some of the authors have ever had an actual days worry in their life? I know you have to make your mind stronger but come on. Meditation? I’m not sure I would know if I was actually doing it right? Plus I can’t cross my legs in that weird cross legged position you seem to need to be in if you are doing it right.

I have lied, cheated, stolen, and lied some more. I Hurt everyone I know. The sad thing is I never saw it happening. It was like a spiral going round and round and round, until one day it wasn’t. How did I get here? I would love to blame anyone but myself but the fact is I can’t. I did it. I done the deed. I am the Professor in the library with the candlestick.

I’m not writing to preach or to offer help (although I would be glad if it did help anyone obviously) I am writing what happened to me. Ok let’s amend that (Sorry old habits). I was the happening. I will write honestly about my experience and how I picked myself back up. It was a long long long way down.

So. When it is your time and you have ran out of places to run, I can offer one piece of wisdom. The sun will rise. Fact.

 

Sorry. That was a bit blunt. But in fact it is true. The only thing you can rely on with total consistency is that the sun will rise. And there is nothing you can do about it. How you deal with each rising is what matters. I had days where I didn’t get dressed, didn’t wash and quite frankly was pretty disgusting. This should have been a warning that the end is nigh. When you can’t even be bothered with personal hygiene because the weight of your problems is taking up all available brain space, it’s time to ask for help.

Having lost my parents far too young I had always had to be fiercely independent. I am not an asker of help. I am a giver of help. So asking for some for myself was alien to every fibre of my being. Sometimes that fear of letting people down engulfs your brain so much so that it becomes easier to say nothing.

It’s not really easier in the long run though. It’s easier at the time because your engulfed brain can’t accept that there might actually be a long run.

Am I helping anyone at all? I’m not sure? But it’s helping me writing this! Do you want to know more? Or should I just shut up now and stop harping on?

Hopefully I will speak to you again soon,

Kelly

xxx